Forgiveness

Forgiveness is HARD. Especially when you’ve been hurt by those who you love or trust. Trauma causes deep and gaping wounds that scar, ooze for life, or are buried deep within. I’ve been hurt by a lot of men in my life, ranging from those closest to me to those who were placed in positions of authority or care. There is every reason not to forgive these men. I could be justified for wallowing in my pain; using it as an excuse for my behaviors. I believed this for a long time; I lived in resentment into adulthood. But I’m going to tell you why you need to forgive. 

The longer we carry the wounds inflicted by others, the deeper they go. It doesn’t take much to open the wound again. It causes unwanted behaviors, insecurities, judgement, and even health problems if not remedied. We need to heal from these things, and the first step to healing is forgiveness. 

Forgiveness, just like all healing, is a process that takes tools and time. 

Let’s look at some misconceptions of forgiveness first, so we don’t make these mistakes: 

“Forgive and forget.” This is wrong for so many reasons. For one, it sets the stage for us to be hurt by the same person again, and may perpetuate a cycle of being taken advantage of. There is a level of accountability that needs to take place.  We need to learn what our boundaries are and set them. We are never justifying the wrong someone did to us. Forgiveness is not justification.

“Just forgive and get over it.” Forgiveness does not magically happen, and each of us processes pain differently and in our own timeline. You have permission to take the time you need to heal, as long as you keep moving in that direction. 

“You need to reconcile with this person who hurt you.” This is absolutely untrue. If you were sexually or physically harmed, there is nothing to reconcile. However for married couples, this one is common. I was in an unhealthy relationship for years, and my church preached marital reconciliation. This caused me to return over and over to a situation that was damaging for both of us. There are times when this can work for some couples through therapy and change, but without change, reconciliation only places you back into a harmful situation. Use caution, counselling, and wisdom with this one. 

Ok, now let’s look at why we need to forgive and how to do it. 

We need to forgive because it is the first step toward our own healing. Forgiving is not for the other person, it is for you, Dear One. 

Forgiveness means to “untie”. When you hold a bitter grudge, or cling to your hurt, you are tethering your energy to the person who harmed you. This energy tether keeps you under their control, in a way. You unwittingly allow the pain they caused to hold you prisoner. “But you don’t know what they’ve done! They deserve vengeance! My hate is justified!” Dear one, I know, I have been in this dark place. Come out. You deserve healing. Mel Robbins says, “Forgive others, not because they deserve is, but because you deserve peace.”

For me, my hurt began young. Unforgiveness and anger only perpetuated my being put into situations that caused more harm. When we don’t heal ourselves, we can get trapped in a cycle of more hurt. Let’s learn. 

The healing journey

1. Forgive yourself. “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” – Maya Angelou
2. Be present, be grateful. The past is gone. Bring your eyes forward to this moment. No more looking back at the hurt.
3. Learn to LEARN from the hurt. Use the trauma as the fertilizer to grow the beautiful flower that is you. You know who you are because of it; you know what you love and don’t love, what serves your greater good and what doesn’t. Create space for those things that serve and grow you. Set boundaries for the things that don’t. 
4. Learn to LOVE YOU. Take the time to care for and love yourself. You cannot fill others from an empty bucket. Find yourself, get quiet, and once you’ve found her, fill her with love. This love will overflow from you and fill others. 
5. The person who wounded you is also a wounded person. Hurting people hurt others; they project their pain, they model behaviors that were modeled for them. Some are narcissistic and simply lack empathy, but others are navigating their own pain and don’t even realize the damage they are causing. Some have had their own traumas. It does NOT justify their behavior, but for me, it helps me give just a little bit of grace. Because who knows how many I’ve hurt in my wake of trauma, when I was still functioning as a hot mess stumbling through my pain. 
6. Imagine warm light on them. This one is probably the hardest for me. But if you can, picture them as a child who deserves love – that they also need because they are human. Picture this love pouring down on them. I know how difficult this one is, but this will really help to sever the tether that is holding you to them. Let love dissolve it. 

I hope for your healing. I hope that it begins with forgiveness. Be so patient with yourself because this process takes time. I hope this was helpful. You deserve healing.